The last time when I was in a 'crisis' like now, I was ashamed and scared. I didnt tell anyone and on the process hurt a lot of people and cost myself a lot of grief. Some things ought to be said. And since I am phobic of talking I am writing it. Like one of my favourite friends say, 'What is not written, is lost".
Its not so long ago that I wrote this and thought the worst is over. And it was not so long ago I picked up the pieces of the then broken life and fixed it together to go chase my dreams.
I thought I had survived the absolute worst-the Apocalypse.
I thought that was the test and I passed in flying colors.
I thought I can live up to my resolutions with poise.
But apparently not.
It started small, so small that you hardly notice. Life is funny that way. Its little minions wait out to catch you unaware.
We knew law school was a huge investment. But we thought we had it under control. But what we didnt know was its hidden costs. The balance sheet began to show more liabilities than existing or possible assets. And being in the wrong place at the wrong time made sure that we cant even borrow money from anything.anyone. And to top it all, there were emotional costs.
It was like learning the alphabets all over again. Like the two decades of my ('best') education was worth zilch. And I was not comfortable with that. Though I loved what I was learning I was not egoistic enough to think that Im the best. Not because I couldnt be.
Because deep down somewhere something was nagging me.
Because I knew Im learning it for the wrong reasons.
Because something which makes you depressed almost every day is not good for you even if you like doing it- like drugs, like pornography.
And mostly, it was not easy learning the law of a land which is not your home.
At some other time, I would have been ashamed to say it out aloud. But not now!
I didnt think I was mature enough or knowledgeable enough to learn the law of a land I barely knew. And Law is the one subject which requires an intimate understanding of not just the current socio-economic-cultural situation of where it originates from. And I felt handicapped in it. I had to work double hard to be at par of my classmates. On the process, I lost out on other things.
I lost sleep
We lived as strangers in the same house seeing each other just on weekends.
I became the monster I never knew which was within me.
So I decided to take a break.
Not just because we couldnt find enough money.
Not because I didnt have good grades. (Despite all that, I did have above than average grades. Not the best though-which is unlikely of me).
And at the risk of being called unstable, impulsive and carefree-I took the decision.
Because I realized my heart was not in it anymore.
And surprisingly it was not a hard decision, infact it was one of the easiest decisions I ever took.
But make no mistake, it was difficult to actually see it happen.
I did stay true to my resolutions though. I was happy and at peace. And chanted "All izzz well" and busily went on making other plans.
That is till yesterday when my husbands call woke me up in the morning. (FYI- He never wakes me up if Im sleeping-Yeah, he is one of those gems of a guy).
While I knew it was something important, I didnt remotely think it would be what he would say it is. My cluttered brain thought of people back home and wondered whether everything is fine. What I least knew was, we were the two people who wouldnt be fine at the end of that call.
I was sitting up when I talked to him. The words became meaningless syllables after I heard the dreadful 'lay-off' and 'let go'.
I stopped breathing. The words kept flowing-"Budgetary constraints" and some other words kept rushing back to my brain "State job"-- "stable"--"easily another 4 years" and struck how they were a bunch of lies-which was just an illusion.
And then I started breathing again while a wave of nausea hit me. Finally letting in all of it to sink and realizing the person on the other side of the phone needed me to be strong. And I said, in a frantic whisper, " Its OK. Its going to be OK."
I sat there numb for an hour. How? Why? Now what? There were questions and no answers. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t talk.
How could this happen? Not again. Not now. Oh. God . Please.Make it go away. Make it a bad dream which Im going to wake up now into in cold sweat. And as childish as it sounds, I pinched myself.
And it was real. Real as it can ever get. Knocking the wind off your lungs and beat out your gut real.
I closed my eyes and I saw.How it was and how it would be. How the best laden plans have gone astray again.
And I prayed, " I dont know whether there is a God, but if you are around- please give me the strength". And then, I laid down and slept.
Yes, I slept.
And when I woke up I was fine. Yes, I was frustrated, angry and helpless. But I was fine. Heck, I even thought my biography (when it finally gets published) would be very colorful. I was amused to think that I was the favourite student of the puppet master- Life.
Then I told people. People who are going through things worser than this. People who matter. And people who know will stand by us, no matter what.
And then I got tired of telling. Talking about it, I noticed drains my energy. And Im sure drains their energy too. So my dear friends, I wrote this so that you all know our situation. Because you matter to me and we need your support.
But that also means we are fine, and you can talk normally to me. I get that its extremely awkward to talk about it and offer condolences. Seriously, I get that. And I shall beg for pep talks when its needed. Till then, like my status messages, follow me on twitter and comment on my blog.;). Thats all I ask of you.
Because I know, this too shall pass.
Though Im freaking tired of this uncertainty, I know for sure and now I can almost have a Phd doing a thesis on - This too shall pass.
Its just the end of the first month of the year and already we have been through the most. Thats why they say never get drunk on new years!
A totally cool mom of a totally cool friend posted this as her facebook status ( I know, how cool can a mom get. Im totally jealous of you KD)
If an egg is broken from outside force- a Life ends. If it breaks from inside force a Life begins.Great things always begin within us.There is light at the end of the tunnel.
P.S. I have not quit law school, I have taken a leave of absence and plans to pursue it when Im a little more wise and has other plans which hopefully will work out.